


Purity

by Captain_Hope



Category: Harry Potter - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Gen, One-Shot, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-04 04:21:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12161439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Captain_Hope/pseuds/Captain_Hope
Summary: A soul damaged by dark magic can't safely produce a Patronus (unless they wish to be consumed by maggots).Years later, Severus ponders his ability to cast a Patronus.





	Purity

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by @librarydaze's post on Tumblr:
> 
> "Was there ever a time, maybe when he first took the Dark Mark, when Severus was unable to cast a Patronus? Or at least thought he wouldn’t be able to.
> 
> How long after leaving the Death Eaters was it before he finally convinced himself to try again?"

When he first took the Mark, he hadn't really thought about the ramifications it would have on his soul but then, he didn't remember thinking of much else either save for a hungering need to have a certain type of power, a group of people who respected him as an equal. Simply put, he had wanted to _belong_ somewhere.

But later, after two months had passed and he began to get that horrible sinking feeling that perhaps this Death Eater thing wasn’t what he thought it would be, he wondered about it. Dark magic was an ever-changing art form yet it was very certain about the effects it had on one’s soul, either it completely destroyed you or it left a taint upon your very core; the distinctions between the two were hardly different, however, in the end, the taint would also destroy the person if they weren’t careful enough.

He tried to recall how many curses he let slip that would count as soul-wrecking. During his initiation ceremony, the Dark Lord had demanded the new recruits provide entertainment, “ _prove their worth_ ,” he had said. He had provided bodies, some alive, some...not quite dead.

Severus swallowed back something that tasted like fear as he struggled and failed to remember the rest of that night. He knew that he had chosen someone not quite dead to demonstrate a potion of his own creation on, a potion that held people alive long enough to obtain information. He knew at some point during his demonstration, the Dark Lord had tricked him into using it on someone who had been undamaged up until that point. The rest of it was foggy but he did remember that there had been a lot of blood...he had come back home with a tattoo and bloody hands. The smell of blood lingered for days after.

Perhaps that had been what made him rethink the whole situation. Voldemort had promised power, a family of people where you were never alone. All it had been was endless destruction and death. He had been lied to, he knew that now.

Would it be too late for him? For his soul? If he cast a Patronus, would he be consumed by maggots?

He twitched, fingers curling around his wand and he raised it. Did he dare try? For a moment, everything was quiet, sound falling away as he wrestled with inner doubt and demons that whispered the same self-deprecating thoughts ever since he was twelve.

“ _Not good enough_ ,” they hissed softly. “ _You’re damaged goods by now, Death Eaters have no soul_.”

His wand lowered. Once, he could have passed said thoughts off as Potter and his friends being assholes but now they were right, weren’t they? He was a Death Eater and his soul was as good as gone.

He had made his choice.

***

The road to redemption was a long one, Severus found out a few years later. Of course, he hadn’t expected it to be easy, he had a lot of things to atone for but perhaps some part of him had hoped that he wouldn’t have had to be so alone.

It was Harry Potter’s third year. Sirius Black was on the loose, Remus Lupin was teaching despite his dangerous condition, dementors floated around the grounds like eerie servants of the Grim Reaper. It was almost hell. Severus sat in his private quarters, a glass of wine in hand, and brooded.

Albus had mentioned briefly to him that it might be wise to brush up on strong defence spells since dementors are not easily repelled by normal means. It had been said tactfully enough (well as tactful as Albus could be) but Severus had a niggling feeling that he doubted his ability to cast a Patronus. He didn’t blame him for doubting, he wasn’t sure he even could and thoughts he previously repressed years ago, floated to the forefront of his mind again.

He could try to cast a Patronus, there wasn’t that much harm in it. Well okay, he could possibly be consumed with maggots but it was a better fate than having his soul sucked out. Either way, the students would rejoice, he mused as he bitterly sipped his wine though he felt almost unbothered by the knowledge. Rolling his shoulders a little, he rose to his feet, sliding out his wand in the process.

He took a deep, bracing breath, suddenly wishing that he was just a bit tipsier. Anxiety clustered in his stomach and clawed its way up to sit on his chest. He tried to ignore it in favour of focusing on pulling through the magic he could feel vibrating in his wand.

“Expecto Patronum!” He half-yelled, swishing his wand through the air in the precise movements required.

Nothing. No maggots at least but no magic either.

“ _You’ll need a good strong happy memory for a Patronus_ ,” Minvera’s voice flittered through his head, making him hesitate once more. He wasn’t sure he had any particularly happy memories, well except for... he swallowed, in pain this time. The feeling overwhelmed him and he shivered, wrapping his arms around himself. He could just leave it, he told himself, he didn’t have to use a Patronus, there were other spells but-

No. No, if he didn’t get past this then he never would and other spells weren’t as effective as the Patronus charm and with bloody Potter’s luck, he’d probably have to get him out of a tight spot with said dementors at some point. He straightened once more, resolve fluttering through him. He just had to find a happy memory and cast the charm, right?

He paced by the fire, thinking. A happy memory...what had made him happy? Lily had made him very happy but she was also a painful thought so he couldn’t use her... so what then? His accomplishments? A memory drifted lazily forward and he paused to collect it.

_It had been when he was seven... his mother had been ill, almost bedridden and if Tobias noticed then it would be very bad for both of them... and then Severus had pulled out his kids' potions kit Eileen had gotten him. It had an easy-to-make flu potion and it had been his first time brewing on his own but he must have brewed it perfectly because Eileen had been up in the next second looking as healthy as possible...she had told him that he was a good son. It was the only time she did._

As bittersweet as it was, it still made him feel just a bit warm inside. Severus desperately tried to cling to the memory, let it fill him up as he rose his wand again. He focused on the warm glowing feeling that seemed to wash over his fears and other memories sprang forward unbidden, memories of potions that he created to heal, of Lily excitedly telling him that he could be the best Potions Master in all of England with such potions, how he still remembered that and went on to become the youngest Potions Master in England alone... He felt his wand heat up and he swished his wand through the air once more.

“Expecto Patronum!”

He didn’t shout this time, he let the feelings carry him. He knew before he saw it, that it had worked - that his soul was still pure - and the realisation blossomed in him and carried into the spell, causing the white light at the end of his wand to sweep out and manifest into the form of a doe.

The shock of it all almost made him drop his wand. No maggots! Despite it all, his soul was intact and his Patronus was a doe, Lily’s doe but now it was his doe... Severus sank to his knees, exhaustion suddenly overriding him. He stared at the beautiful white doe until it faded, leaving its form tattooed in his mind but the warmth remained whether in the room or within him, it didn’t matter.

All that mattered right now was that Severus Snape, for all his mistakes and his flaws, still had a soul that was capable of producing a Patronus.

 


End file.
